Thanks For The Unsolicited Parenting Advice, Seriously

Thanks For The Unsolicited Parenting Advice, Seriously

Thank you for the advice. You have obviously picked me out as a parent in need of caregiving tips. I appreciate you taking the time out of your busy, demanding cashier job to offer me parenting wisdom. I know you didn’t have to do this. I expected to pass unnoticed throughout the 15 items or less line but you took the time to inquire about my parenting abilities. Thank you. Your questioning...
Here Is What This Dad Learned Marching with His Son Last Saturday

Here Is What This Dad Learned Marching with His Son Last Saturday

Last Saturday, resisting the urge to remain in my warm bed, I attended the Women’s March in Nashville. Along with my wife, toddler, and mother-in-law, I gathered with thousands of Nashvillians marching through the streets, waving signs, chanting, cheering. I marched not because I am a model citizen; rather, a tiny voice inside me said either get your ass out of bed or stop complaining about...
CDC Instructs Parents To Set Diseased Grocery Carts On Fire

CDC Instructs Parents To Set Diseased Grocery Carts On Fire

Atlanta, Georgia–The news has swept the internet today after the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention reported children’s grocery carts are cesspools containing deadly disease. “We’ve found disease in the carts ranging from E. coli to Ebola. I recommend you avoid placing your children in them at all times,” says CDC Director Dr. Tom Frieden. The report comes as a shock to parents...
5 Reasons You Should Be Thankful For Your Toddler

5 Reasons You Should Be Thankful For Your Toddler

I don’t remember the last time I slept past 6:30 a.m. I don’t remember the last time I went to a movie theater. I don’t remember the last time I ate a meal at my own pace. I don’t remember the last time I went an entire day without changing a poop diaper. I don’t remember the last time my toddler ate what I prepared him for dinner. Yet, I cannot think of anyone I want to spend more time...
Helicopter Parents, Tiger Moms, and Free Range Dads, Oh My!

Helicopter Parents, Tiger Moms, and Free Range Dads, Oh My!

Last weekend, my wife and I took my son to the playground. As we arrived, an older girl was climbing a curved, metal ladder that extended to a platform about five feet high. After studying her, I could tell my son was eager to climb. He shuffled his hands on the metal rails and lifted his feet to the first rung. His two-year-old motor skills were developed just enough to maintain balance. I kept...
An Open Letter To Pumpkin Spice Cheerios

An Open Letter To Pumpkin Spice Cheerios

I swore to myself I would not be manipulated by you. I’m not that kind of guy. I’m loyal. A man committed to regular Cheerios. Sure, sometimes I try apple cinnamon and honey nut, but I always come back to my steady. My plain pulverized oats. I rolled my cart past you, but the next week I saw you again and gazed at your burnt orange box. On your cover, the miniature pumpkin and bundled...
Ten Parenting Duties I’m NOT Doing On My Break

Ten Parenting Duties I’m NOT Doing On My Break

After a week of childcare, I need a break. Often, I’m too tired to leave the house so I stay home and do my own thing, but this presents a challenge. Avoiding small children around the house is like trying to escape a monster in a B-grade horror film. No matter where you turn they will find you. To help me navigate around the house without getting sucked into my kid’s tractor beam, I created...
5 Stages of Moving With Small Children

5 Stages of Moving With Small Children

I love moving with small children. It’s no problem as long as you enjoy exploring new levels of exhaustion. I learned during our recent move that August is an ideal time. In the brutal heat, you will consider leaving your whining children behind. You will discover who you really are when you slam your thumb in the truck door. Make sure your mother-in-law or someone else you wish to impress is...
Why Parents Need To Play

Letting Loose In The Bounce House: Why Parents Need To Play

On Wednesday mornings, a few minutes before ten o’clock, my two-year-old son and I arrive at the YMCA. I restrain him from escaping my lap while wrestling off his shoes. Once free, he darts across the shiny floor to the bounce house. Small bodies scramble through the netted door, while screams echo off the cinderblock walls. A pack of children jump and tumble causing their arms, legs, and torso...
A Prayer for Parents of Small Children (no. 1)

A Prayer for Parents of Small Children (no. 1)

God, make me an instrument of thy patience. Where there is sleep deprivation, provide long uninterrupted naps. Where there is destruction, allow acceptance of messiness. Where there is frustruation, let me take deep breaths. Where there is terror, remind me life is fragile and never was under my control. Where there is defeat, remind me tomorrow is a new day. Where there is isolation, remind me...